My ONE Rule

When it comes to my eating routine, I have one rule. What is this one rule? Well let me give you some background before I share. Growing up, I had always been a picky eater. I had a very simple taste pallet. I loved cereal, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, and pizza. I was not a very healthy child despite my parents’ constant efforts. Well because I was such a young girl, and refused to eat the meals my parents had prepared, I literally lived off cereal. I ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Needless to say, moderation was not in my vocabulary. As I grew older I practiced these same habits, this then resulted in some weight gain. I was not happy with this weight gain and so I cut all “bad” foods out of my diet. I quickly lost the weight but began heading down a dangerous road. I never had permission from myself to have even one single treat! One day after this long ‘diet’ of sorts had been going on, I finally caved. I had ice cream and chocolate milk. I had never hated myself more than after I ate something as simple as that. I thought to punish myself by purging up that awful mistake. I’m sure you can quickly figure out things didn’t get better after that. However, now that I am better, I have my ONE RULE. When there is a tasty looking treat before me, I give myself permission to eat it, but I can only have ONE. One cupcake, one donut, one milkshake, you name it! This helps satisfy my craving as well as really cherish every bite or sip I take! Moderation is key!

-jac

oh.I play with my food.  

Real Recovery.

Recovery is hard. Everyday, every hour, sometimes each minute is a constant struggle! It does get easier as time passes, but we all have those days where you just need to break down and cry. A couple months ago I had one of those days. I felt fat, I felt ugly, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into the arms of my eating disorder. Instead I crawled into the arms of my support team. I could have hugged my loving mother and father for days as I cried. I just needed a release. I started writing poems to express these intense emotions. Here is a poem I wrote from that difficult day. You may like it, you may not, but it is an art form that has been a huge help in my recovery. 

I’m so lost and so confused

I keep trying but still lose

We all struggle, we all feel pain

I just can’t comprehend how others stay sane!

I want to punch I want to kick

I just want to return to being a stick

Is it normal to be this mad?

Is it normal to be this sad?

All I want is to be normal and trade this struggle I have

It’s too hard and I feel so weak

My Lord and Savior I seek

A cry for help I send

For I know this is not the end

It wont be easy, it wont be pie

But I wont give up, not till the day I die.

Thanks for reading!

-jac

When Times Get Tough

It happens to everyone. Nothing seems to go your way. Life gets hard, and times get tough. Well that is what I have been experiencing for the past couple of weeks. During these times all I want to do is give in to my eating disorder. It is the easy way out for me. I sometimes just need a moment to reflect on how far I have come, and how badly I do not want to go back. It can get really hard at times but when I am constantly keeping myself busy I don’t have time to even listen to the “ED voice”. The “ED voice” that I am referring to, is the constant chatter in my head that relentlessly tries to persuade me to give in and act on an eating disorder behavior. We cannot let that happen, now can we! So as I was saying, keeping myself busy really helps me to not give in. As of lately, I have been filling almost every minute of my day with countless activities. These ‘activities’ include:

-      -  Taking time to put together a cute outfit

-      -  Cleaning up my room after trying to put together a cute outfit

-       - Spending a little extra time on my makeup

-       - Going outside and riding my skateboard

-       - Going for a run

-      -  Playing volleyball

-       - Reading

-       - Attending my college courses

-       - Doing my homework

-      -  Doing a small act of service for someone

These things help me and could possibly help you! Try them out and see what works for you! Thanks for reading!

What Do I Wear??

A question that haunts me almost every morning is, "what do I wear?" In shear panic, I leap from my bed towards my closet, knowing that this most likely will be a long process. With a full size mirror near by, I begin trying my clothes on, hoping to make a reasonably cute outfit. Between changes I sometimes notice my body in the mirror. I begin to squeeze and pull at my skin in astonishment, "Is that what I really look like". I then proceed to criticize, judge, and disapprove of my body. I am constantly reminding myself to snap out of it! Everybody's body is different. I like to dress myself in clothes that I feel most comfortable in because when I am comfortable, I am more confident. I learned from my momma that confidence, along with a smile, are the most important things to wear every single day! Today I am happy to say that I accomplished wearing my confidence and smile. Here is my comfy outfit from today that helped me achieve that!

-jac

And So It Begins!

Let's just dive right in, shall we? Hi My name is Jacqueline, but everyone calls me Jac. I can be really weird sometimes. I love playing with makeup and fashion. When I run out of things to talk about, I like to make things up. I am five feet and EXACTLY two and three quarter inches tall. I also battled a stubborn eating disorder. Do not fret, my eating disorder is in my past. However, it has changed almost every aspect of my life. For those who have never had an eating disorder it is a bit harder to comprehend, but thats fine because that is what this blog is ALL about! This new life of mine is a bit crazy, but is filled with so much more joy and happiness compared to my past; just stay tuned and you will see!

-jac