Thursday, May 30, 2013

My ONE Rule




When it comes to my eating routine, I have one rule. What is this one rule? Well let me give you some background before I share. Growing up, I had always been a picky eater. I had a very simple taste pallet. I loved cereal, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, and pizza. I was not a very healthy child despite my parents’ constant efforts. Well because I was such a young girl, and refused to eat the meals my parents had prepared, I literally lived off cereal. I ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Needless to say, moderation was not in my vocabulary. As I grew older I practiced these same habits, this then resulted in some weight gain. I was not happy with this weight gain and so I cut all “bad” foods out of my diet. I quickly lost the weight but began heading down a dangerous road. I never had permission from myself to have even one single treat! One day after this long ‘diet’ of sorts had been going on, I finally caved. I had ice cream and chocolate milk. I had never hated myself more than after I ate something as simple as that. I thought to punish myself by purging up that awful mistake. I’m sure you can quickly figure out things didn’t get better after that. However, now that I am better, I have my ONE RULE. When there is a tasty looking treat before me, I give myself permission to eat it, but I can only have ONE. One cupcake, one donut, one milkshake, you name it! This helps satisfy my craving as well as really cherish every bite or sip I take! Moderation is key!

-jac

oh.I play with my food.  

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Real Recovery.


Recovery is hard. Everyday, every hour, sometimes each minute is a constant struggle! It does get easier as time passes, but we all have those days where you just need to break down and cry. A couple months ago I had one of those days. I felt fat, I felt ugly, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into the arms of my eating disorder. Instead I crawled into the arms of my support team. I could have hugged my loving mother and father for days as I cried. I just needed a release. I started writing poems to express these intense emotions. Here is a poem I wrote from that difficult day. You may like it, you may not, but it is an art form that has been a huge help in my recovery. 

I’m so lost and so confused
I keep trying but still lose
We all struggle, we all feel pain
I just can’t comprehend how others stay sane!

I want to punch I want to kick
I just want to return to being a stick
Is it normal to be this mad?
Is it normal to be this sad?
All I want is to be normal and trade this struggle I have

It’s too hard and I feel so weak
My Lord and Savior I seek
A cry for help I send
For I know this is not the end
It wont be easy, it wont be pie
But I wont give up, not till the day I die.



Thanks for reading!

-jac

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

When Times Get Tough


It happens to everyone. Nothing seems to go your way. Life gets hard, and times get tough. Well that is what I have been experiencing for the past couple of weeks. During these times all I want to do is give in to my eating disorder. It is the easy way out for me. I sometimes just need a moment to reflect on how far I have come, and how badly I do not want to go back. It can get really hard at times but when I am constantly keeping myself busy I don’t have time to even listen to the “ED voice”. The “ED voice” that I am referring to, is the constant chatter in my head that relentlessly tries to persuade me to give in and act on an eating disorder behavior. We cannot let that happen, now can we! So as I was saying, keeping myself busy really helps me to not give in. As of lately, I have been filling almost every minute of my day with countless activities. These ‘activities’ include:
-      -  Taking time to put together a cute outfit
-      -  Cleaning up my room after trying to put together a cute outfit
-       - Spending a little extra time on my makeup
-       - Going outside and riding my skateboard
-       - Going for a run
-      -  Playing volleyball
-       - Reading
-       - Attending my college courses
-       - Doing my homework
-      -  Doing a small act of service for someone
These things help me and could possibly help you! Try them out and see what works for you! Thanks for reading!