Dates & Ducks

Time to get real. Dating sucks. I am awful at going on dates and dating in general. I’m awkward, constantly stumbling over words and terrible at consistent eye contact! But it’s all a part of life. While I hate leaving my comfort zone, sometimes it’s worth it. Yesterday it was. I had a fun lunch date feeding some ducks!!

-jac

Whats Up?!

Well it’s been awhile. Life has been absolutely crazy and unfortunately the blog was at the bottom of my “To Do List”. Which obviously took awhile to get to! In my opinion I had some legitimate reasoning. About two weeks ago it was the end of my spring semester in college and I was flooded with finals, papers, projects and presentations. To get EVERYTHING done quickly I thought it would be a grand idea to continually stay up all night to finish my work… I took a few naps here and there but nothing compared to a good nights sleep. Well somehow I survived and did relatively well!! Once I packed up my things and journey home, ALL I did was sleep. Last week was such a blur, I had slept so much that it was hard for me to tell when I was really awake because I was unsure if I was dreaming or not! Anyway, I am back and blogging again so just stay tuned for some fun summer adventures I have planned before I head back to school!

Still Going

Currently my dad is in Alaska climbing Mount Mckinley, which is the highest peak in North America. As I mentioned in a previous post, my dad and I love to climb and hike. That wasn’t always the case, but now it has become a real passion of mine! Every step I take while climbing, I think about how far I have come. I am so grateful for this body I have. It can do great things. Our bodies are gifts that are usually taken for granted. I know that while I was deep in my eating disorder that is exactly what I did. I took my body for granted. For a while, it took a real beating. But look at me now! I am lucky enough to do something I love. All the credit goes to this body of mine. It really is incredible and I am so grateful. I hope this doesn’t give off the impression that my body is just as strong as it was before my eating disorder. Its not. As you can see in the picture I broke my arm playing volleyball, BUT I still have a smile on my face!

Also lets all wish my dad best of luck with his climb!

-jac

Perfect Imperfections

Body image is a term that may refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance, or interpretation of themselves. It is difficult to have a positive body image when the average American looks in the mirror around forty times a day. Finding imperfections is inevitable.

About four years ago, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. Medically, this means that the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features. The person thinks they have defects on several features of their body, which causes psychological distress that causes clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning.

I am constantly occupied with thoughts of my imperfections. It drives me CRAZY that I cant change. What I can change is my attitude towards them. I may not like my nose, but with it I am able to smell the beautiful roses my roommates and I bought for our kitchen table. I am not fond of my teeth but with them, I am able to chew my food before swallowing. Preventing any kind of choking! I don’t like my hair, how tall I am, my eyebrows, my chin, the shape of my face, my skin and my feet. I always thought of these physical traits as abnormal and ugly. The truth is, they have an important purpose. When I look at all the blessings I receive from my imperfections, I realize that I really should be grateful. I will admit, some days it is harder to recognize these benefits; but when you try hard enough, you can always find something!

I’m nowhere near perfect. I have some serious flaws, but I accept them. Life isn’t about being ornamental; it’s about being instrumental. Making a difference in this life. Helping others. Making this world a better place. Some days I may fall, but I have promised myself that I will ALWAYS get back up and try that much harder. 

The following pictures...FAILED...miserably 

- jac

Letting Loose

No one and nothing is perfect. Some things may SEEM perfect through our own eyes, but nothing really is. Well I am a perfectionist. Which definitely gets difficult at times. Through my eyes, the Grand Canyon, waterfalls, puppies, and pastel nail polish are just a few of the things that I consider to be perfect. I am not perfect. Part of the reason my eating disorder began was because of my perfectionism. I wanted so badly to be perfect. Have the perfect hair, facial features, smile, clothes and personality. Unfortunately we don’t have control over the result of most of these attributes. Genetics is responsible for that. Well something I COULD control was my weight. I did have control of my weight but the rest of my life was out of control! It is hard to give up control. Well it’s a difficult task for me at least. I just want everything to be perfect. Well last night I was able to let loose. For the first time in a long time I did not even attempt at being perfect, and I had a blast! My roommate came into my room at around 11pm and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her really quick. I had already showered, had my acne facial cream on, and my retainers in. I had a decision to make. Go along with her and pick up a few essential things I needed or stay home. Normally I wouldn’t dare go out in public after I already started getting ready for bed, but sometimes when we step out of our comfort zone, wonderful things can happen. Last night a wonderful thing happened. I let loose and didn’t take myself too seriously. It was absolutely hilarious! I had an amazing night with many laughs and now even more memories. I even captured a few of these crazy memories and have decided to display them here on the Internet. Enjoy the picture before I suddenly realize what I have done and then immediately take it down!

-jac

My Monica

Why do bad things happen to good people? Well that’s life unfortunately. Today I found out that my Aunt Monica might have pancreatic cancer. I was devastated. Monica was my moms youngest sister. She lived with my family growing up and I always thought of her as my other sister. Monica was in high school during the time she lived with my family and I. I can remember very clearly playing dress up, cracking jokes and just messing around with her. She loved me. She loved me as though I was her own. I felt it. Both Monica and my mom have an overwhelmingly large capacity to love, and they did. They loved me. Finding out this news was very difficult and very triggering. I was upset, sad, and confused. How could this happen? Well in treatment, I was taught not to suppress my feelings and then act on an eating disorder behavior but rather feel. Feel my emotions. I sometimes am scared to feel my emotions. They are just so strong, so overwhelming for me to handle at times. But I did it anyways. I felt. It was difficult beyond words, but it eventually passed. I had a constant prayer in my heart as I was ‘feeling’. Then something beautiful happened. I felt peace. I know that everything will work out and that everything happens for a reason. I hope and pray that the extreme amount of pain Monica is in will pass. I love my Monica. Always have. Always will. 

- jac