Perfect Imperfections

Body image is a term that may refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance, or interpretation of themselves. It is difficult to have a positive body image when the average American looks in the mirror around forty times a day. Finding imperfections is inevitable.

About four years ago, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. Medically, this means that the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features. The person thinks they have defects on several features of their body, which causes psychological distress that causes clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning.

I am constantly occupied with thoughts of my imperfections. It drives me CRAZY that I cant change. What I can change is my attitude towards them. I may not like my nose, but with it I am able to smell the beautiful roses my roommates and I bought for our kitchen table. I am not fond of my teeth but with them, I am able to chew my food before swallowing. Preventing any kind of choking! I don’t like my hair, how tall I am, my eyebrows, my chin, the shape of my face, my skin and my feet. I always thought of these physical traits as abnormal and ugly. The truth is, they have an important purpose. When I look at all the blessings I receive from my imperfections, I realize that I really should be grateful. I will admit, some days it is harder to recognize these benefits; but when you try hard enough, you can always find something!

I’m nowhere near perfect. I have some serious flaws, but I accept them. Life isn’t about being ornamental; it’s about being instrumental. Making a difference in this life. Helping others. Making this world a better place. Some days I may fall, but I have promised myself that I will ALWAYS get back up and try that much harder. 

The following pictures...FAILED...miserably 

- jac

Letting Loose

No one and nothing is perfect. Some things may SEEM perfect through our own eyes, but nothing really is. Well I am a perfectionist. Which definitely gets difficult at times. Through my eyes, the Grand Canyon, waterfalls, puppies, and pastel nail polish are just a few of the things that I consider to be perfect. I am not perfect. Part of the reason my eating disorder began was because of my perfectionism. I wanted so badly to be perfect. Have the perfect hair, facial features, smile, clothes and personality. Unfortunately we don’t have control over the result of most of these attributes. Genetics is responsible for that. Well something I COULD control was my weight. I did have control of my weight but the rest of my life was out of control! It is hard to give up control. Well it’s a difficult task for me at least. I just want everything to be perfect. Well last night I was able to let loose. For the first time in a long time I did not even attempt at being perfect, and I had a blast! My roommate came into my room at around 11pm and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her really quick. I had already showered, had my acne facial cream on, and my retainers in. I had a decision to make. Go along with her and pick up a few essential things I needed or stay home. Normally I wouldn’t dare go out in public after I already started getting ready for bed, but sometimes when we step out of our comfort zone, wonderful things can happen. Last night a wonderful thing happened. I let loose and didn’t take myself too seriously. It was absolutely hilarious! I had an amazing night with many laughs and now even more memories. I even captured a few of these crazy memories and have decided to display them here on the Internet. Enjoy the picture before I suddenly realize what I have done and then immediately take it down!

-jac

My Monica

Why do bad things happen to good people? Well that’s life unfortunately. Today I found out that my Aunt Monica might have pancreatic cancer. I was devastated. Monica was my moms youngest sister. She lived with my family growing up and I always thought of her as my other sister. Monica was in high school during the time she lived with my family and I. I can remember very clearly playing dress up, cracking jokes and just messing around with her. She loved me. She loved me as though I was her own. I felt it. Both Monica and my mom have an overwhelmingly large capacity to love, and they did. They loved me. Finding out this news was very difficult and very triggering. I was upset, sad, and confused. How could this happen? Well in treatment, I was taught not to suppress my feelings and then act on an eating disorder behavior but rather feel. Feel my emotions. I sometimes am scared to feel my emotions. They are just so strong, so overwhelming for me to handle at times. But I did it anyways. I felt. It was difficult beyond words, but it eventually passed. I had a constant prayer in my heart as I was ‘feeling’. Then something beautiful happened. I felt peace. I know that everything will work out and that everything happens for a reason. I hope and pray that the extreme amount of pain Monica is in will pass. I love my Monica. Always have. Always will. 

- jac 

Happy Birthday Jer!

Birthdays are my favorite! Not so much my own, but those of people I care about. Today is Jerica’s birthday. She is finally the BIG 21! Jerica is a close friend as well as my roommate. A big reason why I love birthdays so much is because for that particular day, I forget about myself and all my troubles. All my energy is focused on helping to make it THE BEST day for that person. In this case, today is all about Jerica! Her boyfriend, Christopher, and I woke up early and went to work. Christopher was in the kitchen making Jer’s favorite breakfast, crepes. I was in charge of blowing up the balloons and setting up the treats and decorations. After all our hard work, it was a success! She woke up to breakfast in bed and was surprised with what we accomplished! Doing things for other people gives me so much joy and happiness. Even when it isn’t someone’s birthday I still try and incorporate little acts of service throughout my day. It does wonders!

Hope you have a HAPPY FRIDAY!!

 

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-jac  

I Had a Hike of a Time!

Greg Child once said, "Somewhere between the bottom of the climb and the summit is the answer to the mystery why we climb". My dad is a mountaineer. He loves to climb and hike. I could never comprehend why he loves to do such an exhausting and dangerous activity. He always encouraged me to come along with him as he weekly journeyed on a local intermediate peak. This peak was in no way easy, especially for me. It was only after I began to wake up every Saturday morning to hike with him that I finally figured it out. I understood a little better as to why he pushes himself and does what he does. Starting the hike is not that bad, but after about thirty minutes, you begin to feel the exhaustion and soreness kick in. I thought many times that I would not be able to make it to the top. Those were almost the exact feelings and thoughts that I felt as I battled my eating disorder. It’s too hard. It’s too difficult. How much longer will I suffer through this? Well getting to the top is the best part. The accomplishment of such a challenging task presents a feeling I cannot even begin to explain. It is simply beautiful and incredibly rewarding . We all have mountains to climb and some parts are harder than others but we must be consistent and just put one foot in front of the other. No matter how slow you may be going, remember that you are still making progress! The peak is near and the reward will be great! Although I am away at school, I continue to hike and climb as often as I can. I miss climbing with my dad but feel close to him with ever step I take as I progress to the top. Continue to climb your own tough mountain, I guarantee it will be worth it!

Oh and I hope you enjoyed the incredibly awkward picture of me!


 -jac 

Bits and Pieces

This is what my Saturday looked like...
My Saturday from jac woodwell on Vimeo.